


Texts from Last Night: Kíli Edition

by Shubatra



Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies), The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, BROT3, Car Wash - Freeform, Drunk Texting, F/M, Gen, I can't help it I love the thought of Tauriel and Fíli being bros, Jail, Kíli to the rescue, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Texts From Last Night, accountant Bilbo, discussed possible Bilbo/Thorin, he's been taking it since he was nine, lawyer!Balin, mentioned domestic violence, pining over food, shirtless boys, the boys are pests, yes Kíli knows judo, you have to know how to shut them up
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-03-13
Updated: 2015-03-31
Packaged: 2018-03-17 15:02:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 5,019
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3533855
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shubatra/pseuds/Shubatra
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Everyone knows texts taken out of context are hilarious. Sometimes it turns out that texts taken in context are even more hilarious. Other times they're touching, sad, aggravating, loving, or just someone at the absolute, utter end of their rope. All of the above seem to be true when one specific Durinson boy is involved.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Part One

**Author's Note:**

> So does everyone here know the tumblr [Texts from the Hobbit](http://textsfromthehobbit.tumblr.com/)? No? Then why are you sitting around here for, go look! 
> 
> I can wait.
> 
> . . .
> 
> All caught up? Right! So, here's the deal: I set myself the challenge of writing a collection of one-shots for all the TftH that Kíli is featured in (tagged in, on tumblr). No time limit or pressure, just whenever an idea happens to strike my fancy, I'll write a story. Given the nature of texting is such a modern phenomenon, that more or less meant the stories _have_ to be set in modern times, so I didn't even bother trying to fight it. These aren't being written in timeline order, so they're not getting posted in timeline order; I'll give you a rough timeline of things by providing Kíli's age at the beginning of each episode. Typos in the texts themselves are intentional, but please tell me if you see any in the main body of the stores ~~so I can fix them~~. Also since diacritics aren't "standard" in English names nowadays, I've chosen to eliminate them in the interest of keeping the setting unified. Also, before anyone asks, I am _not_ involved with that tumblr. I've actually never had a tumblr! TftH is just hilarious and makes my day far, far too often.
> 
> Part One based on [this text](http://textsfromthehobbit.tumblr.com/post/108071954698).
> 
> Kili's age is twenty.

Bilbo Baggins, CPA and unofficial part time legal council for Erebor Tech, ignored the buzzing of his phone on the desk next to him as he hammered away at the keyboard under his fingers, lost in the numbers dancing across the screen and the knotty problem he'd been presented with of trying to tie their income into so many loops that their competitors wouldn't be able to trace their funding. Especially Greenleaf Industries. Bilbo himself didn't have any problems with Thranduil and thought his son was rather charming in an awkward way, but mentioning such to Thorin... well, it just wasn't a good idea.

His phone buzzed again, the sound of another text coming in as it vibrated against the heavy wood, and Bilbo's eyes stole down to the screen just long enough to catch a glimpse of the sender's name. _Kili_. A longtime friend of the Durinson family, he sometimes regretted giving the younger generation his private number; Ori was a sweetheart and left him alone unless there was a direct question he needed answered, but Fili and Kili had decided between them that their uncle's accountant never had enough fun and consequently kept trying to engage him in situations that were either elaborately complicated, thoroughly embarrassing, or of dubious legality. Never mind that Bilbo had _no_ interest in being arrested, if the boys wanted to take him to a drag show karaoke party they'd found out about, they would pester him about it until he gave in out of futility.

"Not tonight, you don't," he muttered to himself, not swiping open the phone and looking back at his screen. With Mr. Drake's ongoing campaign to burn E-Tech's feet out from under them, Thorin had set Bilbo to not only making their funds disappear, but finding a weak point in _his_ finances that Thorin could exploit. There wasn't _time_ for any of the boys' crazy ideas, not with the amount of work he'd been set. He was going to be staying late for the next week and a half at this rate, couldn't they just _leave him alone_ for that long? 

He nearly threw the phone out the window when it buzzed again.

Fortunately for his sanity, that was the last text he received and he was able to sink back into the fugue of number crunching easily enough, for a couple more hours at least. It was at that point that his stomach rumbled, loudly informing him that he'd missed his mid-afternoon snack and that it wanted food in it, _now_. Bilbo took another minute to finish a few final calculations and make sure everything was saved, reaching for the cup of tea he'd left by his monitor and grimacing when he realized it was stone cold. Well, that was to be expected, he supposed; the department assistant didn't refill the cup if it wasn't drained, and he'd been too lost to even take a sip. Mourning the heat that had evaporated even as he brought the cup to his lips for a quick wake-up drink, he finally picked up the phone that had annoyed him so much earlier and keyed it up to read his messages.

Tea sprayed all over the phone and the keyboard in front of him as he read the first.

_(03:22) Kili Durinson: so have youtold uncle THorin you're in love with him yet???_

Bilbo coughed, great hacking gasps as he tried to clear his airway of improperly swallowed tea, grabbing for the handkerchief in his pocket to mop up the sticky drops that were starting to coalesce on his all-too-liquid-sensitive electronics. _Where_ had that come from?! What had that _imp_ thought that- How could he- _Why was he-_ That just wasn't _done!_ Whatever his feelings were for his friend, _it was none of that rascal's business._

His breathing steadied a little as he scrolled to the next message - and then seized up again at the third.

_(03:24) Kili Durinson: Sorry, Kili woke up hungover and not thinking very clearly. I didn't even realize he had the phone until he started giggling -Fili_

_(03:25) Kili Durinson: Seriously though, have you? -Fili_

Those- those _rapscallions!_

Without consciously thinking about it, Bilbo activated the phone's keypad and furiously began typing a response.

_(05:41) Bilbo Baggins: Why are you asking me this? It's none of your business! I don't go around rooting in YOUR personal lives, now do I?_

When no message came back immediately, Bilbo huffed and stood up from the desk, straightening his waistcoat and making his way to the small bathroom down the hall. Wetting a handful of paper towels and grabbing a few dry ones, he returned to his desk still feeling like a thundercloud had rolled over him and began scrubbing up the spilled tea, blotting it carefully from his keyboard. He was just starting to simmer down and think about ordering some supper in, maybe some pasta or the tried-and-true Chinese cafe a few streets over, when there was another buzz of an incoming text. Unlike before, this time he grabbed it and opened it immediately.

_(05:50) Kili Durinson: Sorry about that, mr. Boggins I probably shouldn't mix vodka and whiskey anymore_

_(05:50) Bilbo Baggins: For the last time it's BAGGINS, and why on Earth were you mixing vodka and whiskey to begin with?_

_(05:51) Kili Durinson: We had our first gig and we NAILLED IT! Everyon loved us so we started celebratingand we let it go on toolong and i think Stephen pored his vodka in my glass_

_(05:51) Kili Durinson: Be happy it wasn't the absinthe_

Bilbo groaned and shook his head; a high alcohol tolerance was a Durinson family trait, but it seemed Kili had reached his limit in it over the past twenty-four hours. Although it probably _would_ have been better, for him at least, if the absinthe had been thrown into the mix; if he'd even been capable of sending out texts, they likely would have been filled with the type of implausible visuals that hippies frequently conjured up. Or complete nonsense gibberish, one of the two. With a heavy sigh, he sent back one last reply of _Well stop trying to poison yourself and get something sensible to eat, not just a bag of crisps_ before tucking the phone in his pocket, grabbing his coat, and heading out to find his own dinner. The buzzing of a returned text about five minutes later was once again ignored as he made his way to the little Italian place down the street.

Twenty minutes later he was back in the building, riding the elevator back up to his office, and he once again extracted his phone to see what else the messy-haired menace had sent him. Bilbo was grateful there was no one else in the elevator: he nearly dropped his styrofoam tray of lasagna and garlic bread at the new line to their conversation.

_(05:56) Kili Durinson: Fili shoved some leftover chicken down my throat and were heatingup a pizza now so Im okay. But what about you? You're really just gonna sit at your desk foreever and not say anything to Uncle?_

This... This wasn't going to go away, was it? Not when _both_ of them seemed to be on the line about this. Kili's original text could've been attributed to alcohol, but with Fili throwing his hat in the ring and now Kili proving that even if he hadn't intended to say anything he sure _believed_ it, Bilbo knew the topic was just never going to die.

 _Ever_.

He began typing back, being very careful in his wording.

_(06:18) Bilbo Baggins: I don't know why you're even asking me this. Your uncle is one of my dearest friends and I love him unconditionally, even when he's being the most blockheaded sod your family has ever produced, but I'm not IN LOVE with him._

A few moments went by in silence as he disembarked from the elevator before there was another buzz, and Bilbo groaned _loudly_ at the newest one. Fili had come back into the picture, on his own phone this time.

_(06:22) Fili Durinson: You can't fool us, you know. We've seen how you look at him_

Before he could make any motion to respond, Kili added on to that, exactly as if the brothers were standing in front of him tag-teaming a conversation like he'd seen them do so many times. He'd always felt somewhat head-scrambled by their tendency to be two halves of a speaking team, and it was apparently even worse when he couldn't see them (and glare at them).

_(06:22) Kili Durinson: Yeah you always stare at him with your eyes a little too wide adn with this look of longing on your face_

_(06:23) Fili Durinson: You have this little smile you only give to him, too_

_(06:23) Kili Durinson: You really do! EVERYONE knowsit Bilbo_

_(06:24) Fili Durinson: No one's wanted to say anything until you did, but you're really bad at hiding it_

_(06:25) Fili Durinson: No on second thought, I don't think Uncle Thorin knows because he's completely oblivious to things like this, didn't even notice Kili was hitting on this girl at the bar last night until he got shot down and Ki came back to us all pissed off._

_(06:25) Kili Durinson: FI YOU DIDNT HAVE TO TELL HIM THAT_

Bilbo gave in to his urging to beat his head against the wall, repeatedly pulling it back to hit the pale blue-grey paint, hoping to knock the memory out of this conversation out of his mind. It didn't work, of course, and even the pain in his forehead didn't fend off the impending headache he could feel forming behind both temples. These boys were going to drive him into an early grave. Unless he stuck a fork in this in a way that would end it once and for all.

Fortunately, he was fairly sure he knew just how to do that. His thumbs flew over the electronic keypad.

_(06:27) Bilbo Baggins: So you boys think I should confess to your uncle, who I agree is as romantically perceptive as a lobotomized puddle since he didn't realize Lobelia was trying to seduce him despite how aggressive she was, that I have deep feelings for him._

_(06:27) Kili Durinson: YES!!_

_(06:28) Fili Durinson: At least talk to him about his thoughts on the subject, we don't know them any better than you do. Maybe worse than you do_

_(06:29) Bilbo Baggins: And you don't think such a thing could potentially not work or make our lives so awkward we couldn't be around each other any more._

_(06:30) Fili Durinson: It's already making things awkward and Dwalin's rolling hsi eyes at you. Wouldn't it be good to at least get it out in the open?_

_(06:30) Kili Durinson: You'd know one wayor another if itd work then_

With an unamused glare at his screen, Bilbo set his pasta down on his desk and very deliberately typed out his last response.

_(06:31) Bilbo Baggins: I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle._

Without waiting for a reply, he dropped the phone next to the takeout container and walked over to the mini fridge in the corner of his office, retrieving a bottle of water. He had enough time to settle back in his seat, unwrap his plastic utensils, and take several bites of his food before the phone rang. A quick glance showed it was Fili, as he more or less expected, and he swallowed as he answered the phone and put it on speaker. "Yes?"

"...I think you broke Kili."

"Good."

After all, Bilbo Baggins was the politest person at Erebor Tech. But when he played, he played to _win_.


	2. Part Two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Part two is here! Lovely thanks to my friend for tossing out Cici's name when I randomly harassed her for one with no explanation XD 
> 
> Part Two based on [this text](http://textsfromthehobbit.tumblr.com/post/48059060319/submitted-by-durins-folk).
> 
> Kili is twenty-four, not far from turning twenty-five.

The phone buzzed next to her ear, making Tauriel give the smallest of jumps, barely enough to be called a twitch as she reached for the device. She pushed her sunglasses up to her forehead and sat up, activating the screen to see who the short message was from, and smiling when she recognized the name of a friend of hers from work.

_(1:36) Cynthia Cantor: What are you doing? I'm bored stiff today._

With a glance at the building she'd been sunbathing next to, Tauriel started typing back with no hesitation.

_(1:37) Tauriel Chastain: Waiting on my boyfriend and his brother to stop arguing so we can get this car wash started. It was their idea and now they're taking forever to get going._

_(1:38) Cynthia Cantor: Sounds pretty irresponsible of them. And doesn't sound like the type of guy you'd go for._

A loud _crash_ sounded from inside the small house, but she had too much experience with this family now to worry about it unless it was accompanied by shouting. And only panicked, frantic shouting at that.

_(1:40) Tauriel Chastain: Maybe not before, but it's really nice to have someone around who's not so concerned with everything. He's serious when he needs to be, but he has this spontaneity that makes whatever we do together kind of._

_(1:41) Tauriel Chastain: Happily unpredictable. You never know what he's going to pull next, even if sometimes he nearly gets killed for it._

_(1:42) Cynthia Cantor: By you, I'm guessing :D_

She didn't even try to stop a smile at the fact that Cici knew her so well.

_(1:44) Tauriel Chastain: And his brother, his friends, his uncle, and ESPECIALLY his mother. She's a tiny hurricane made human._

_(1:46) Cynthia Cantor: Isn't that a lot of trouble? I thought you didn't like trouble._

_(1:46) Tauriel Chastain: I didn't, but it's growing on me._

Her smile widened as the door to the gatehouse her problematic boyfriend and his (generally) less-problematic brother lived in burst open, obviously kicked too hard by how it hit the wall and rebounded back against the person trying to exit the building. Kili swore, the words muffled by the wood in the way, and gave it another, softer kick as he carefully maneuvered through the door, laden with buckets filled with water. Fili followed, his own arms full of sponges, rags, polishing cloths, and another bucket full of bottles of soap and car wax.

_(1:48) Tauriel Chastain: The view doesn't hurt, either._

Neither of the boys were wearing shirts.

When Kili had first told her she could join in on their ritual car-cleaning a couple of weeks ago, she hadn't bothered to ask questions about what to wear. Physical labor meant old clothes she didn't mind getting dirty, and no matter what the movies tried to make the public believe, showing as much bare skin as a bikini did when dealing with chemicals was just asking for trouble. Instead, she'd turned up at their shared residence wearing an old pair of very broken-in shorts and a t-shirt a years-ago boyfriend had left behind after their relationship had ended and she'd kept because it was comfortable. She'd imagined her boyfriend and his brother would be dressed much the same, but she'd turned out to be wrong.

Oh, well. If they wanted to burn their skin off, that was their own prerogative. And until that moment came, the eye candy didn't hurt.

Another vibration in her hands drew her thoughts back to her phone.

_(1:51) Cynthia Cantor: Isn't he ridiculously short? Almost a full head shorter than you?_

_(1:51) Tauriel Chastain: Height isn't everything. Trust me, Cici._

_(1:52) Cynthia Cantor: What makes up for having to break your neck to kiss him?_

Another curse drew her attention back to Kili for a minute, and there was absolutely no way she could keep from grinning in a slightly predatory way as she saw him struggling to hook the hose onto the outside spigot. Water spurted out in little bursts, splashing him and sending water trails dripping down his shoulders, chest, and arms. The excellent view was, admittedly, a little blurred by the hair he seemed to grow everywhere, but his (and his brother's) nicely defined muscles were still very obvious to the naked eye.

_(1:54) Tauriel Chastain: Pretty much everything else._

_(1:55) Cynthia Candor: You can't be serious, there's no way he's that perfect._

_(1:55) Tauriel Chastain: Completely serious, he and his brother both. Let me put it this way._

_(1:56) Tauriel Chastain: 70 percent of the female population would find them attractive._

_(1:57) Tauriel Chastain: The other 30 percent are lesbian and even they appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities._

_(1:57) Cynthia Candor: You're pulling my leg. Being short's the ONLY problem?_

She didn't even try to stop the laugh ringing out over the yard, drawing the attention of both Fili and Kili to her as she looked up at them once more with a grin. “Hey guys, I want a picture before you try to drown each other!”

“He started it!” 

“You've got to be kidding!”

“You _did_!”

“ _Hey_! Picture now, fight later! Stand next to each- No, wait, turn to your left first, the sun's in my eyes, let me move.” While they repositioned themselves, Kili trying to mess up his brother's hair and Fili smacking his hand away, Tauriel rose to her feet and circumvented them until the bright light was no longer straight in her face. She whistled sharply as she settled down on one knee, to get a better angle that wouldn't make them appear incredibly foreshortened, and the boys exchanged one last shove between them before setting an arm each across the others' shoulder. “Ready? On three. One, two- three!”

It was a perfect picture. Kili was on the left, all dark coloring and long wavy hair and an inch and a half taller than his brother, who easily managed not to be dwarfed into obscurity by the sun reflecting from his messy golden hair that fell to his shoulders. Fili's mouth was set in an easy smile and his eyes were startlingly blue, quiet, and confident, while Kili's brown ones sparkled as he started to laugh at something or other, sharing his grin with both Tauriel (and her camera) and his brother beside him. Their little fight with the spigot had left them both a little wet, Kili more so than Fili, but nowhere near soaked enough that they looked like drowned kittens, and while Kili was hirsute and didn't care a whit Fili obviously made an effort to remove unwanted body hair. He'd grown a neat mustache and a bit of a goatee, while her boyfriend had given up on shaving most days and therefore sported that two-days-of-stubble look that looked careless but she knew was carefully planned for maximum sex appeal (and boy did it work). Both of them worked out every day, as was immediately obvious by their shirtless physiques, the contours of their muscles standing out against their tanned skin in a way that should have been illegal. Both of them also sported tattoos - matching bands of intricate geometric design around their upper right bicep, identical Norse _vegvisir_ protection runes over their hearts, while Kili had added a series of canine paw prints diagonally crossing his left hip up onto his ribcage and Fili's roaring lion head was hidden on his shoulder blade. 

It was absolutely unfair that the two of them looked as good as they did when they were in ratty cargo shorts and old sneakers, ready to get genuinely filthy, but for the good of their vehicles' cleanliness, Tauriel would suffer through it.

“Thanks! Give me just one moment, guys, and then we can get started.”

“Take all the time you need, love,” Kili said with a wink as he grabbed a bottle of soap to start mixing it into the buckets.

Fili nodded, grabbing sponges and dropping them one by one into the waiting water. “We're almost ready here.”

She returned the nod as her fingers flew across her phone's screen, attaching the picture to the message and adding a simple, _See? ;)_ below it.

And she absolutely did not have to wait long for a reply.

_(2:04) Cynthia Cantor: Holy CHRIST, Tauriel. Which one is yours?_

_(2:05) Tauriel Chastain: The one on the left. Kili._

_(2:06) Cynthia Cantor: So the one on the right is single? Because I want to tie him to a bed and ride him senseless._

Tauriel burst into laughter at her friend's reply, a full-bodied sound that automatically drew the brothers' attention from their bucket city, and she could not stop the smirking grin spreading across her face at Fili's slightly confused expression.

“Guess what? I just got you a date!"

"A date?"

"Or a hostage situation, it depends on how you want to look at it."

"A _hostage situation_?"

"Any latent Stockholm Syndrome fantasies? Light bondage? Body worship? Stop giving me that look, it makes me feel like I'm destroying innocence I know you don't have."

Fili sighed heavily, digging his hand into his hair. "I swear, between the two of you, it's a wonder _I_ don't end up in hospital as much as Kili does."

"Hey!"


	3. Part Three

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yay, not two weeks this time! I win!
> 
> But there is a warning this time for mentions of domestic violence. I don't go into any detail and it's quick, but it's there, so just be cautious if that's something you're sensitive to.
> 
> Part three based on [this text](http://textsfromthehobbit.tumblr.com/post/110442606916).
> 
> Kili is twenty-four (this one takes place before the last one).

He _supposed_ it could have been worse, really. 

Granted, he was lying on a narrow little bench covered in a mat wrapped in thick, squeaky blue plastic, using a pillow made out of his jacket and another lump of foam wrapped in _more_ squeaky blue plastic, but he wasn't totally uncomfortable. Just annoyed. And admittedly kind of pissed off. Okay, a _lot_ pissed off.

Kili groaned, loudly, raising his arms to dig the heels of his palms into his eyes and rub hard. "How long does it _take_ a lawyer to get here?"

This hadn't even been his _fault!_ He'd just been going back to the dance floor after using the bathroom at his favorite club when he'd seen a guy and a girl having an argument in one of the wall niches that afforded _some_ privacy. Whatever it was about, it wasn't his business, and he'd been about to pass by without saying anything.

That is, until he'd seen the guy - who was built like an Olympic athlete - raise a hand and bring it down hard across the girl's face, startling a scream from her lips.

After that, well, he couldn't say it was a blur, because that definitely wasn't what happened whenever he was in a fight, whether it was just a sparring match or for real. Instead he became hyperaware, time seeming to slow down around him and his own movements sped up, and fuck it didn't matter that the guy was about seven inches taller and fifty pounds heavier than him, Kili wasn't going to let that stop him when there was an asshole to take down. The dick wasn't expecting five-foot-four of black belt judo practitioner (admittedly low-rank black belt, but still black belt) slamming into his back and sending him flying over the much shorter man's hip to smash into the floor. The girl had screamed again, most likely in shock, as Kili had spun on one foot to straddle the jerkoff's hips and wrench his hand up behind his back, making _him_ scream, this time in pain from yanked muscles. Kili distinctly remembered snarling something about _let's see how_ you _like being the one being hit, you fucker_ as he kept pinning the other guy to the ground and the girl ran off to somewhere else. He'd hoped she'd chosen to just get away, but no - she'd gone for the police.

When they'd arrived, other patrons of the club had managed to pry Kili off his victim, but none of them were able to shut up him or, really, willing. Both he and the other man were being restrained by bystanders and yelling at each other, but Kili's shouts of what gives you the right to think you can fucking hit a woman?! and death glares he was so _amazingly_ effective at pulling off had the other guy on the edge as well, not to mention being taken down by someone so much _smaller_ than him, and he was shouting right back about interfering dwarfs and what in the hell gave Kili the right to break into their disputes and just let him go he needed to punch the midget in the nose. The police had shown up fairly quickly, which was a point in their favor, and since neither man was really turning his attention away from his rival they'd slapped cuffs on both of them and shoved them into the van. Less than fifteen minutes later they'd been escorted into separate holding cells, Kili still giving the Durinson Glare at the asshole's backside as the door was locked behind him.

That had been roughly six hours before and he was still pissed off. Aside from sleep and read (and reread) the Codes of Practices, he didn't have anything to do, and he was slowly shifting his ire from his victim to Balin. All right, all right, he knew it wouldn't be likely for Balin to be awake after midnight, even on a Friday, but couldn't he at _least_ leave his cell phone ringer on? He couldn't be properly booked, much less have bail set and paid, until his lawyer arrived, and they'd tried to call him not two hours ago and still gotten no response. It was at the point where the police had agreed to try calling other family members in the hope that one of them could go hammer on Balin's door, wake him up, and drag him in, and even that had been a fruitless quest at five in the morning. Goddamnit if only he had Thorin's private business line memorized...!

A rattling sound at the door drew his attention and he swung into a sitting position, watching as the slot on the door opened and a plastic tray was set on the edge. There was a bowl, a carton, and a cup on it, and he could see the face of a young officer who couldn't be much older than he was behind it, peeking in. "We finally got word," the officer said as Kili stood to retrieve the tray from him. "They managed to get your lawyer, and he's on his way at last."

Kili grinned at the news, face lighting up as he grabbed the tray and pulled it free from the slot in both hands. "Finally! For a family as big as mine is, I don't know why they're so effing hard to get ahold of sometimes!"

"Who can say," the officer replied with an offhand shrug, clearly still halfway asleep himself. He turned and walked back down the hall.

Carrying his tray back to the bench-bed, Kili's face fell as he looked down and saw a very, _very_ basic breakfast. A bowl of plain cereal, a carton of whole milk, and a plastic cup of orange juice - it was so _small_. All right, his entire family had the appetite of a herd of horses, so maybe this wasn't as small as it looked, but his rumbling stomach still disagreed with that assessment. Longing thoughts of bacon and eggs, toast, sausages, crepes, scones, and thick bowls of oatmeal danced before his eyes as he sighed heavily, opened the milk, and poured it on the cereal.

Maybe it wasn't as much as he wanted, but it was still food. He wasn't about to turn it down.

Twenty minutes later, Balin finally appeared, looking less pulled-together than Kili had ever seen him even at this time in the morning, and he had to wonder whether it was Fili who'd finally gotten the message and roused the lawyer out of bed. His brother certainly wouldn't have given him any time for his normal morning wake up routine, that was for sure. With Balin finally there the rest of the experience went fairly smoothly, as the police took his fingerprints, swabbed his mouth for DNA, returned his boots, and finally took him for his interview. Kili knew better than to fight the police on this, especially when it would just make things more difficult for him and possibly land him with charges of contempt of court or obstruction of justice, so with Balin looking on the answers to all the officers' questions came out easily and clearly. He could've sworn he heard Balin growl just a little under his breath as he described what the other man had done to his girlfriend, but he wasn't about to stop the interview to ask.

Less than an hour later, everything had been sorted out as much as it could be for the moment, his personal effects had been returned, bail had been paid, and Balin was walking him out the door. He turned as they left to give the building a cheeky grin and wave as he did so, pulling out his phone and swiping it open to make sure it hadn't been touched. As far as he could tell it was just as he'd left it, and he opened his contact list to start typing in a text.

_(08:27) Kili Durinson: Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and i dont really like that._

He hit _send_.

Less than a minute later his phone began ringing in his hand, making him grin widely as he answered it, bringing it up to his mouth but very carefully _not_ to his ear. "Hello, my gorgeous star."

" **Why were you in jail?** "

"Well, you see, Tauriel, I happen to have an amazing girlfriend who would snap my neck if I didn't come to the defense of a fair damsel in distress." 

Next to him, Balin rolled his eyes at his ridiculous words, making the younger man train his grin on him for a moment before going back to the phone and his girlfriend on the other end. This was going to be a long explanation, but hopefully, a worthwhile one.


End file.
